As many of you know, I have a tumultuous history of dealing with hormone induced anxiety. Just when I think I finally have it under control… *insert visual of an erupting volcano here*. Like many in my situation, I’ve prayed, sought the advice and treatment of doctors, taken medications… both prescription and supplemental, and much more. I’d stand on my head out in the snow wearing nothing but a swimming suit while singing the ABC’s backwards if I thought it would work! If there is a method out there to treat this thing, I’ve tried it. (Yes… even acupuncture.) Like I said, just when I’m feeling confident, that’s the precise moment when it feels quite literally like all of Hell broke loose.
This past month was especially challenging to me. I don’t honestly know why. I’ve been doing all the right things. I take my supplements faithfully. I have cut sugars, wheat flour, processed foods and otherwise everything I thought I loved out of my diet. (Four months now and still going strong!) I’m losing weight, drinking more water than I ever thought I could, and in general just being healthier. So why? Why am I still struggling… and struggling more than I ever have before?
This morning, I had the house to myself. So I decided it was time to put on some good worship music and just worship. I don’t mean just sing along to my favorite songs. I’m talking about the “from the depths of my heart, I WILL be thankful for Jesus” kind of worship. The kind of worship where through the tears you can barely get the words out. After a little while, with music still going on, I went back to my chores around the house. And in an instant, I saw in my spirit a picture of a Dad helping his little girl learn to ride a bike. At once, the Spirit of God spoke to my heart and said “What do you think I meant when I said I’d never leave you or forsake you?”.
In just a few words and one precious image, God showed me how we’re doing this life together. I’m trying to learn how to ride this life bike and He’s holding onto it, keeping me steady. He’s promised to never leave me alone on this bike. But all I’ve been able to focus on are my scraped knees. You may ask (as I have), why the scraped knees? How did that happen? Well… God said He’d never leave us. But He didn’t say that He’d force us to accept His help. Our eyes are fixed on Jesus as we get on the bike. But as soon as there’s a bumpy section on the road, we forget whos strong hand is holding us up. Sometimes we even go into a panic and try to navigate the bumps on our own. We were never meant to handle the bumps in our own ability. So sometimes we end up with scraped knees. He doesn’t leave us during those times. But He does honor our decision to try and go it alone. Just like the child who tells her dad to let go of the bike… and then falls two seconds later. The dad is still there to help pick his child up. If only that child knew that He was holding on for her own good. God is willing to hold on for life.
Oh sure, I prayed and sought God for wisdom and answers to this hormone hell I’ve found myself in. So it’s not like I didn’t start out on the right path. But I came to the realization that my faith wasn’t in God. It was in all the things I was doing… diet, supplements, doctors, etc… I need to go on record here that I love doctors, modern medicine and the like. My point isn’t that I shouldn’t be dieting or getting solid medical advice. I should. But it should be because, as my eyes are fixed on the one who’s teaching me to ride this life bike, He tells me to wear knee pads. He’s smart like that and knows just what I need.