“Why?!? Why do you let every single noise send you into a panic?  Why are you letting yourself literally shake with so much anxiety?  How many times do I have to tell you that you are ok?  Everything is ok.  You are safe.  You know what those noises are.  Yet you still freak out like you’re about to die.  Why can’t you just listen to me?  You’re ok.  I got you.”  Those are the words I spoke to my dog, Ralph, as I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him earlier tonight.  Those are the words I’ve spoken to Ralph like a million times.  Yet still, every time someone pulls into the driveway, or comes into the house, or even just walks down the road and passes by, he flips out.  I’m not talking just a casual little “bark bark… umm excuse me, but I notice there is a stranger nearby”.  This is full on from his depths barking, howling, body shaking uncontrollably with anxiety, we’re all about to die, kind of flip out. 


We don’t know where Ralph originally came from.  A friend of the family found him when he was about six months old.  He was hanging out near a dumpster, filthy and starving. That same day, he was brought home to my husband and I.  After trying unsuccessfully to locate his owners, he became ours.  That was almost four years ago now.  I remember how terrified he was when we first got him.  It took a little while before he trusted any of the grown ups.  But little by little, he could see that we could be trusted.  We weren’t going to hurt him.  We were going to make him part of our family and love him. 


Those who know anything about me probably know that I have a history of anxiety.  That story is too long to tell right here.  But here’s what you need to know.  Many years ago, God saved my life.  His rescue in my world is what made me a believer back then.  I needed to be lifted out of the panic I was drowning in, and He did exactly that.  Fast forward a few years… panic and anxiety found its way back in through a new door I likely opened.  Only this time, God was going to walk with me in the fire.  Not just instantly lift me out.  I won’t pretend to know why things have been this way.  Nonetheless, here I am. 


If you’ve ever experienced anxiety, or loved someone who has, then you’ll probably be familiar with the word “catastrophizing”…  Or at least you’re familiar with the meaning.  Catastrophizing is basically imagining the very worst possible outcome as the likely outcome.  That’s what anxiety does.  If allowed to go unchecked or unchallenged, those thoughts can snowball into full on panic and anxiety attacks.  This is usually how I manage to get myself in trouble. 


That’s where I’ve found myself the past couple of days… in trouble.  And like so many times before, I found myself crying out to God.  My rational mind knows what anxiety is and what it does.  But in that moment, it’s so hard to tell what’s real and what isn’t.  So I cry out to God… and I cry out to God… and I cry.  I know that He is there.  I know that He hears me.  What I don’t know is why He doesn’t respond the way I want Him to sometimes. 


I’ve been on my walk with Jesus for a long time now.  I’ve had the privilege of seeing and experiencing some fantastical things.  I have witnessed firsthand many things that have no explanation other than “miracle from God”.  Time after time after time, God has shown Himself to be graciously faithful.  My point is… I know Him… and He knows me.  Yet still I was in trouble again and my faith was shaken.


And then… in the middle of my anxious thoughts… back to where this post began… Ralph had a breakdown.  He heard something, and so the barking and shaking began.  So I said those words to Ralph… “Why?!? Why do you let every single noise send you into a panic?  Why are you letting yourself literally shake with so much anxiety?  How many times do I have to tell you that you are ok?  Everything is ok.  You are safe.  You know what those noises are.  Yet you still freak out like you’re about to die.  Why can’t you just listen to me?  You’re ok.  I got you.”


***deep breath***


As soon as those words left my mouth, I knew they weren’t mine.  I saw in my spirit and knew from the depths of my soul that those words were from my Heavenly Father for me.  I heard it so clearly and so loud in my heart…


“Terri, Why?!? Why do you let every single noise send you into a panic?  Why are you letting yourself literally shake with so much anxiety?  How many times do I have to tell you that you are ok?  Everything is ok.  You are safe.  You know what those noises are.  Yet you still freak out like you’re about to die.  Why can’t you just listen to me?  You’re ok.  I got you.” 


In that moment when I hugged Ralph, I could sense God hugging me, reassuring me, comforting me.  I’d love to say that I’ll never experience another moment of anxiety again because of this lesson learned today.  Maybe that will be true.  It’s what I’m believing for. But either way, God has shown Himself to be trustworthy.  He’s made me a part of His family and nothing can separate me from His love.  He’s got me. 

I recently read an article posted on Facebook about “hyper-grace”. If you know that term then you know it’s a bad word. There are preachers out there who preach on the completeness and fullness of grace (nothing more to do, as Jesus did it all)… And there are those that refute that teaching with messages on having a balance of grace and law. The latter calls those grace teachings “hyper-grace”. I have read and heard plenty of these types of articles before. But this one named names. It was a very long article about one of my favorite preachers. It spoke of this preacher in a very negative light. Even going so far as to recommend (although out of sarcasm) book burnings. Instantly my defenses shot up. It was all I could do to post a *polite* response, which basically said that the author of that article didn’t know his hiney from a hole in the ground. So I started digging in again getting all fueled up for yet another good debate. But this time it didn’t feel fun. It felt exhausting. I thought to myself “Is this what it means to fight the good fight… or to run my race?”.
I got up from my computer to go get myself ready for the day. As I was cleaning up, I asked God for His wisdom in all this. I do that frequently… I ask for His wisdom. (Whether I listen or not is a whole different story  ) God spoke. But it wasn’t the message I thought I’d hear. He asked me a question. He said “Who are you defending… Me or you?”. I realized that, while my heart was to defend the beautiful, perfect grace of Jesus Christ, my head was more concerned with being right. Now, for the record… I’m on the path I’m on and in the place I’m in spiritually because I believe with my whole heart that God has led me there. And so I hold my position on His grace firm. But as I do, more often than I’d care to admit, I took my eyes off Jesus. I said “If it’s you Lord, call me to you… let me walk on the water”. He said come. But instead of one step at a time, eyes fixed on Him, walking in peace… I jumped onto a jet ski and let ‘er rip.
And then… this is what I heard:
“If you seek ME you will find ME… Don’t seek points to defend. I am capable of my own defense. And if you seek ME first, all these things that you are believing for will be added to you.” Woh… talk about a Selah moment.
So here is what I know… I know that there is a God and that He loves. I know that He loves us so much that He made a sacrifice I know I could never make for a bunch of sinners… just so we would have a way back to Him. I know that if we seek HIM, we will find HIM. I know that I don’t know it all… but neither do you… and neither does the writer of that article I mentioned… and neither does my favorite preacher… and neither (well… you get the picture). I know that when Peter started to sink and asked for Jesus to save him, HE did. And so I know HE will always pick me up too. One of these days my jet ski will run out of gas. I’m believing today is that day.  A pastor friend of mine once prayed over me and said that God was showing him a picture of me as a little girl, surrounded by thousands of puzzle pieces, frustratingly trying to fit them together. *sigh* One more piece down… only a few thousand to go.

As many of you know, I have a tumultuous history of dealing with hormone induced anxiety. Just when I think I finally have it under control… *insert visual of an erupting volcano here*. Like many in my situation, I’ve prayed, sought the advice and treatment of doctors, taken medications… both prescription and supplemental, and much more. I’d stand on my head out in the snow wearing nothing but a swimming suit while singing the ABC’s backwards if I thought it would work! If there is a method out there to treat this thing, I’ve tried it. (Yes… even acupuncture.) Like I said, just when I’m feeling confident, that’s the precise moment when it feels quite literally like all of Hell broke loose.

This past month was especially challenging to me. I don’t honestly know why. I’ve been doing all the right things. I take my supplements faithfully. I have cut sugars, wheat flour, processed foods and otherwise everything I thought I loved out of my diet. (Four months now and still going strong!) I’m losing weight, drinking more water than I ever thought I could, and in general just being healthier. So why? Why am I still struggling… and struggling more than I ever have before?

This morning, I had the house to myself. So I decided it was time to put on some good worship music and just worship. I don’t mean just sing along to my favorite songs. I’m talking about the “from the depths of my heart, I WILL be thankful for Jesus” kind of worship. The kind of worship where through the tears you can barely get the words out. After a little while, with music still going on, I went back to my chores around the house. And in an instant, I saw in my spirit a picture of a Dad helping his little girl learn to ride a bike. At once, the Spirit of God spoke to my heart and said “What do you think I meant when I said I’d never leave you or forsake you?”.

In just a few words and one precious image, God showed me how we’re doing this life together. I’m trying to learn how to ride this life bike and He’s holding onto it, keeping me steady. He’s promised to never leave me alone on this bike. But all I’ve been able to focus on are my scraped knees. You may ask (as I have), why the scraped knees? How did that happen? Well… God said He’d never leave us. But He didn’t say that He’d force us to accept His help. Our eyes are fixed on Jesus as we get on the bike. But as soon as there’s a bumpy section on the road, we forget whos strong hand is holding us up. Sometimes we even go into a panic and try to navigate the bumps on our own. We were never meant to handle the bumps in our own ability. So sometimes we end up with scraped knees. He doesn’t leave us during those times. But He does honor our decision to try and go it alone. Just like the child who tells her dad to let go of the bike… and then falls two seconds later. The dad is still there to help pick his child up. If only that child knew that He was holding on for her own good. God is willing to hold on for life.

Oh sure, I prayed and sought God for wisdom and answers to this hormone hell I’ve found myself in. So it’s not like I didn’t start out on the right path. But I came to the realization that my faith wasn’t in God. It was in all the things I was doing… diet, supplements, doctors, etc… I need to go on record here that I love doctors, modern medicine and the like. My point isn’t that I shouldn’t be dieting or getting solid medical advice. I should. But it should be because, as my eyes are fixed on the one who’s teaching me to ride this life bike, He tells me to wear knee pads. He’s smart like that and knows just what I need.

One of my favorite Christmas songs is “Mary Did You Know”.  The song itself speaks of some wonderful things that Jesus would do… (walk on water, heal a blind man, save our sons and daughters, etc…). Can you even imagine? Mary must have known, at least in part, what she was in store for. She may not have known the details. But I’m quite sure she would have guessed big and great things were in store.

A few years ago, God showed me a picture of Mary holding her belly full with child. Did she know that this amazing child she carried was going to suffer the tortures that He suffered and ultimately be put to death? If she had known that, would she have agreed? God asked me a powerful question then. Would I be willing to carry and give birth to my son, knowing that when he was a little older that I would send him off to war? Would I do that knowing that my son would be sacrificed in this war… in order to save the enemy? Would I raise him knowing that it’s all so he could be tortured and then die?

Mary may or may not have known what her son would soon face. But God knew. He knew full well, down to the tiniest detail what His only son would have to endure. He knew every tiny drop of blood that would violently fall from His son’s body. He knew the intense pain and agony that His son would have to experience… And He thinks I’m worth that… you’re worth that.

If there was ever a thought that would bring me to my knees in complete and total humble praise, that’s it. God saw me in all of my brokenness and sinfulness and said it was worth it to Him to save me. How could I do anything but serve, praise and honor the one who died for me. He knew my name. He knew that Terri Ann Wedner Sorenson would eventually accept the gift He was offering on that cross. And knowing that there was even one soul that would be saved as a result of His sacrifice was good enough for Him.

I will have an amazing Christmas this year. Trust me when I say it’s not because of my crazy relatives, gifts I get, gifts I give, food I eat, or any other reason. I’m going to have an amazing Christmas this year because I am knocked off my feet when I think of the one gift, the only gift that is priceless to me… my savior… my Jesus. Merry Christmas

This post is not intended in any way to be a criticism or condemnation to anyone who disagrees with the content.  Many have asked why I choose not to celebrate Halloween. This post is the answer to that question.

Happy Halloween

Happy:
Full of enjoyment and pleasure

Halloween:

The last night of the year in the old Celtic calendar, where it was Old Year’s Night, a night for witches… a night for death.

October… simultaneously my most and least favorite month on the calendar.  I look forward to the change of season.  The beautiful colors in God’s creation are nothing short of breathtaking this time of year.  I’m also a big fan of pumpkin spice anything!  October ushers in a host of goodness.  As a Christian mom, October also means gearing up for my annual fight against Halloween.

My kids are old enough now to understand why we don’t celebrate Halloween.  But it wasn’t always that way.  It’s quite a task to reason with a child who sees the fun of dress up and free candy.  But somehow we managed.  Despite our neighbors, schools, family, and even some churches celebrating, we managed.

The earliest Halloween celebrations were held by the Druids in honor of Samhain, lord of the dead. This is the day that the pagans believed to be the most magical and spiritual day of the year. To scare off the evil spirits that Samhain was assembling, the Celts would wear masks. It was a day of dedication and sacrifice, (animal and human), to their god of death.

“…do not learn to imitate the detestable ways of the nations there. Let no one be found among you who sacrifices his son or daughter in the fire, who practices divination or sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, or casts spells, or who is a medium or spiritist or who consults the dead.”  Deuteronomy 18:9-11

 “…the sacrifices of pagans are offered to demons, not to God, and I do not want you to be participants with demons.”  1 Corinthians 10:20 

Today, Halloween is considered to be the highest day of worship and sacrifice in the satanic church.  Are you thinking “happy” Halloween yet?  The argument could be made that normal, regular people don’t celebrate like that. I said the same thing for years until I took a deeper look into the “harmless” ways we, as normal functioning members of society, celebrate this holiday.

“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?”

2 Corinthians 6:14 

Look around. As Halloween gets closer, you’ll see homes, department stores, public schools, many local businesses, and practically every channel on TV dressing up for Halloween. Everywhere you look you’ll find witches, ghosts, goblins, demonic figures, cartoon images of Satan, jack o lanterns, ghouls, etc., all in the name of good holiday fun.

“Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness…”  Isaiah 5:20 

We have called what is evil “good.”  We know that there is nothing “happy” about Halloween. Yet, commercially speaking, Halloween is second only to Christmas. According to sales statistics alone, we’ve clearly made the darkness our light.

“Avoid every kind of evil.”  1 Thessalonians 5:22 

 God doesn’t tell us to avoid every kind of evil except the kind that seems fun or harmless to us. Evil is evil, no matter what commercial package it comes in. I once heard a friend say that you can slap some lipstick on a pig, but that doesn’t change what it is.

“For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.”  Ephesians 5:8-11

There is nothing good and righteous about witches, demons, ghosts, etc. Hold those symbols in God’s light. What do you see? This view of our world through “God-goggles” is the standard that we, as Christians, are called to adhere to.

“You cannot drink the cup of the Lord and the cup of demons too; you cannot have a part in both the Lord’s table and the table of demons.”

1 Corinthians 10:21 

 I praise God for pumpkin pie, falling leaves, hay rides, chilly air, and anything else He has given us with the glorious autumn season. However, I believe God’s made one thing perfectly clear to me…Halloween was never part of that gift.

“But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve… But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.”  Joshua 24:15 

Have you ever embarked on a journey you know was divinely ordered? Have you ever gotten to the middle of that something only to wonder,  “what now”? Welcome to my world. A few years back, I started to hear God speaking to my heart that my time at the church that my family and I attended was coming to a close. I even knew which new church He was leading me into. Being the quick learner and immediate responder that I am, it was about two more years until my family and I officially followed that call. Leaving the only church we had ever really known was a huge move for us. Emotionally, it was harder to do than we ever anticipated. Many toes felt unnecessarily stepped on as we made our departure. Sadly, our move was not met with the joyous yet tearful goodbye we had hoped for. There was no celebratory send off or even warm embraces and well wishes. Our move was met mostly with contempt, disbelief and frankly… some really un-Godly behavior. Surely, with a move that difficult, God must have had something colossal in mind for us.

In that previous church, I had been quite heavily involved with multiple ministries for more than a decade. I knew in my spirit that I wasn’t to immediately jump into anything at our new church. I assumed it was to keep myself available for whatever major ministry thing God had planned for me.   But as each week passed in our new church home, (and nothing mind blowing was happening), I grew more and more discouraged. Had we really heard God? Were we really on the path He set out for us? If we were, I wasn’t seeing why. A friend asked how we were feeling about our church move. I shared that I kind of felt what I can only imagine an empty nester feels. I had spent so much time and energy taking care of the kids (God’s kids… aka the church) that I forgot what it was to have a relationship with my husband (God). Now I was in a place of nothing to do… no ministry… just me and Him… And I couldn’t think of a more awkward and lonely place to be.

I remember what it was like when I first met Him (Jesus). I think back on what it was like to be in love with Him as a new believer. There wasn’t a single thing I felt like He couldn’t handle or be trusted with. It wasn’t one sided either… I just knew how in love with me He was. He would do the most amazing things for me… miraculous things! I could physically feel His very presence completely enveloping me. Young love… it’s truly beautiful.

I don’t know when the switch happened… But at some point I stopped being His “bride”. At some point I became “the wife”. We’re married. There’s no doubt about that. I said yes. He said yes. It’s a done deal. Jesus promised in His Word that nothing can separate us. I believe Him. Somewhere in that marriage, I think I stopped paying attention to Him. I started paying more attention to the “things” of marriage… work, kids, responsibilities, etc… If you asked me if I loved Jesus, I would have said absolutely yes. But I’d be lying if I said I was still “in love”.  I prayed about what to do in our new church. Give me something… anything to do! But I heard nothing. There were no prompts or direction from God to join any existing ministries or start any new ones. Just an awkward silence. Face to face. Me and Jesus. And then it clicked.

I was in the right church. I had heard God. We really were on His right path. He missed me. Jesus missed me. The creator of all that is missed me. So in His divine wisdom, He called me out of my distractions and into a place of having nothing but Him… Because He missed me. I’ll be really honest. It was incredibly awkward for me at first. I didn’t know how to talk to Him. I didn’t know how to spend time with Him. You want to know the beautiful thing in all of that? I got the opportunity to fall in love all over again. Don’t get me wrong… It wasn’t as easy as the first time. I’m well aware that the fault in that is all mine. I also know that I’ve only scratched the surface of rekindling my love for Jesus. I fail often in my efforts. But knowing… just knowing that He was willing to spend years of setting me on this journey back to Him. He loves me that much. I’d say that’s pretty colossal… wouldn’t you?

“I have loved you with an everlasting love. Out of faithfulness I have drawn you close. And so it shall be again…” Jeremiah 31:3-4

Random thoughts… Triggered memories… Maybe they were brought to the surface because of a sound, or a taste. Maybe from an old TV rerun or song on the radio. Today, mine was from a smell.

As I was in front of the mirror putting my new makeup on, I came across a very familiar scent. This was a new bottle of foundation, so I wasn’t immediately sure what the smell was. I knew it was familiar, and I knew that I loved it. But I couldn’t place it in my memory. So I continued on with my daily routine. As there was no one around but me for a change, my mind was given the privilege of wandering. I began thinking about my daughter, Faith. I was thinking of all the little ways Faith and I show each other love. One thing we love to do is hide little notes and gifts for each other to find. No real money goes into these gifts, but a whole lot of love does. There are moments that only Faith and I share… Little things to show that she’s important to me and that I’m important to her.  She even tells me all the time how beautiful and precious I am to her. Can you imagine that?!? My child calls me beautiful and precious!

I thought to myself, she gets that from me. I don’t say that with arrogant pride. It’s just how it works. Children will mimic their parents in thoughts, words and actions.

As I continued daydreaming, as if a light switched on, I remembered the smell. Noxzema. Something in my makeup smells exactly like Noxzema. My mom used to use that face cream on a pretty regular basis. One precious and random memory I have with my mom is putting on Noxzema together. I remember it painted on her face… and then painted on mine. So insignificant. So random. So full of love. That was one way my own mom shared a moment with me. Noxzema smells like mom… Noxzema smells like love.

I’m so blessed to have a mom who set an example for me of little acts of love.  She took the time and had the thought to bring me into her world and leave her private space to share with me those moments that won’t be forgotten. I’m even more blessed that my mom is still a big part of my life. She continues to bless me in ways I couldn’t begin to list. I’m quite sure that she picked up a thing or two from her own mother. Where did it all start?

“We love because He first loved us.” -1 John 4:19

Jesus loves us. It’s not about anything we could ever say or do, good or bad. We don’t earn it.  We can’t buy it.  We don’t even deserve it.  But He loves us. And it’s the reason we can love. I’ve said before that children will mimic their parents. I’m not just blessed to have parents worth mimicking… I’m blessed to have a heavenly Father who started it all. Maybe your story is different than mine.  Maybe your own parents were less than loving.  Forgive them.  They may have had struggles you know nothing about.  But one thing we do have in common…  We have a Heavenly Father worth mimicking. Jesus showed us how. He set the example.  Love first… love with all your heart… be willing to sacrifice… meet them where they’re at… don’t condemn…  create moments that will last forever…  Love like Jesus.